[VLog] Youth Ministry and Marriage
We look at three ideas to remember in ministry with your marriage.
p.s. How cute is my beautiful wife?!
Tag Archives: marriage
Youth Ministry and Marriage: Holding Hands
The beautiful couple walks out of the church sanctuary, hand in hand. The wedding ceremony is over and now the marriage begins. For this couple, marriage is holding hands with ministry. The couple wonders how this will work out after the honeymoon is over. For me and my bride, ministry took us to our honeymoon. Within days of getting married, we headed to Rockford College for two weeks of Youth for Christ training. Our honeymoon suite was a stark dorm room. I do not recommend this. I’m still trying to make up for this with my bride some thirty five years later.
So how does a married couple hold ministry in their hands? I want to share three insights that just might help you whether you have been married four months or forty years.
First grab hold of the hand of mercy. We’re all flawed people. No one is perfect, including your spouse. But you already knew that. That’s why we need to be Jesus to our spouses. Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan? A Jewish man was robbed and left half dead alongside the road. Along came an unlikely neighbor, a Samaritan. The Samaritan took pity on the Jewish man in the ditch and cared for him. The Samaritan displayed mercy or the giving of what’s not deserved. My wife is my closest neighbor. She gets beat up by life and sin. I need to have compassion. I come alongside her. I apply mercy along with the other gifts of love and grace that Jesus provides. These wonderful gifts flow from a close relationship with Jesus. As a married couple our first responsibility is to abide in Jesus. Jesus is the Vine and we are the branches. Life flows from Him. Apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:1-5).
Next we grab hold of the hand of mission. In your per-marital counseling or wedding ceremony, you probably heard the words of Matthew 19:5, 6… “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one.” Did you catch the phrase, “So they are no longer two, but one?” Make sure you are together on your mission. If you have any children, they are important to your mission. You have a responsibility to pass on your passion for Jesus to your children (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).
Make sure your ministry doesn’t take you away from this primary mission you have as a married couple. Then look for ways to make the ministry you have as a mission together. My wife Pat has been great in our years of marriage and ministry.
Whether it’s been my years in youth ministry or now as a pastor, she’s my biggest cheerleader and prayer warrior. We do ministry together as often as we can. Together we are in sync with the mission Jesus has given us.
Finally hold tight to the hand that is connected to the wrist with the watch on it. Ministry can be time consuming. We need to be skilled enough to manage the twenty four hours God gives to us each day. Ephesians 5:15, 16 says, “Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time…” Make sure you are giving the time necessary to grow your marriage. We need to sit down with our spouses and go over our weekly schedules. We need to set boundaries in our ministry and put date nights on our calendars. Are you spending enough time with your spouse and family? Is your relationship growing with them? Ask your spouse! Have the conversation. Manage time together.
After all these years of marriage, I still get a thrill holding Pat’s hand. Make sure you walk hand in hand with the one you love. As a married couple in ministry, hold Jesus hand even tighter. Hands together will provide the resources needed to live out marriage and ministry.
Youth Ministry and Marriage: Spouse Boundaries In Ministry
When I first entered youth ministry, I constantly sought the wisdom of my mentor about how to do ministry well. He had a ton of great advise that enabled me to do ministry better. Yet, maybe the best advise was not how to serve students, but how to take care of myself and my family.
Here are four things to add to your personal philosophy of ministry as you also serve your spouse.
- This is not your spouse’s job. The church or organization did not hire the both of you. Your contract does not state that they are getting a two for one deal. So why do you expect your spouse to serve with teens? Make it very clear to your spouse that they are not expected to do anything. The occasional emergency of needing another driver may come up, but if all they want to go home and take a nap, that should be okay. This should also be clear with your church staff, so that they do not “request” her assistance.
- Your spouse’s gifts may not be your own. You may be the best game running, middle school entertaining, sermon speaking youth worker in the state. But this does not mean that he or she can do the same things. Keep that in mind if and when they serve in your ministry.
- Keep the phone off. Even if it is for only an hour during dinner, ensure that EVERY DAY they have your full attention. Ask them about their day, share a meal, help with the laundry, and give them some affection. Also, align your Sabbath with theirs so that you are giving them more than just seven hours of your week.
- Keep the boundaries clear. We can get extremely busy in ministry, but we need to guard these boundaries with our lives. Do not let anything break it. Remember that your covenant with your spouse is so much more important than a contract you sign for your job.
What other boundaries do you have for your married to keep it separate from ministry?
Youth Ministry and Marriage: My Wife’s Thoughts
When I was in high school I had a great youth pastor. He was probably in his late 20′s early 30′s when he took over the youth group. The best part about his ministry was that his wife was a complete partner in whatever he did. On Sundays he would share things from a guy perspective and then she would share things from a girls perspective. They both would go on all retreats and events. The ministry would not have been the same without both of them. I remember deciding then that I would like to have a relationship like that- marry a youth pastor.
Now, I am not saying that I married Jeremy because he is a youth pastor but it is interesting how things turned out. What I did find out is being married to someone in youth ministry is filled with great opportunities but it also has its downsides.
The Positives
- Working with kids- Jeremy and I both are in career fields that work with kids on a daily basis. This not only gives us a common interest but clearly a passion we share. Not to mention the kids themselves. Let’s just say that when you work with kids, every day is a new day.
- Opportunities- God has provided for Jeremy and I in every way we could ask for. Even the lesser important things like going on ski trips, Denver Nuggets games, paintballing, shopping and great food at events to mention a few. These things are the luxuries in life that we could not afford on our own but because of Jeremy’s position we enjoy them for free.
The Negatives
- Weird Hours- Jeremy works mostly from home and that is great for him and our dog not to mention the baby. However, his hours are really strange- not a 9 to 5 Monday thru Friday kind of job. He works late into the night and on Saturdays and Sundays when I have off. This makes spending time together tricky sometimes.
- Sad Situations- Jeremy working with teens, some of them for many years, allows us to get to know them and their families very well. Some students families have become like second families to us, which is great. However, we have also experienced hard things with these families like death, hospitalizations and hard consequences for poor choices.
All in all- the good and the bad- I would not change a thing. We have listened to the plan God has for our lives and are carrying it out to the best of our abilities. God is faithful to us. Shouldn’t we be the same?
Youth Ministry and Marriage: Evaluate Your Own Marriage
When you were married, you said that you would be the number one person in their lives no matter what. In fact, you probably said the exact words “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part.” It does not say that “to love and to cherish when you are not working.”
So where do you stand in your marriage? If you have not taken the time, you really need to take the time with your spouse and evaluate your marriage. Here are three things to ask yourself on how well your marriage is going.
- How are you doing?
This is a loaded question that you could spend weeks answering, but we are looking at the foundation of who you are in front of your spouse. Are you one person in ministry and another in front of them? Do you find yourself purposefully at work or working in front of him or her? Do you bring your work home too much on accident? How passionate are you about your marriage right now? - What does your marriage look like?
When you said “I do,” you took yourself and added your spouse into your life. This means that every decision that you make should include them into the equation EVERY SINGLE TIME. Do you feel like you are always angry at your spouse for the little things that one big thing could end it all? Do you still talk at the end of the day and ask how their day went? Do you know the emotions and feelings your spouse is having about your marriage? Do you feel loved by your spouse? When is the last time you supported them in a big or tough situation? - Where is God in the marriage?
We constantly tell students about how God needs to be at the center of our lives and should be in the middle of dating relationships, but do we apply it to our own lives? When is the last time you prayed at length for your spouse? When is the last time you took a significant amount of time WITH your spouse? Do you build each other up? Does your spouse feel obligated to volunteer in your ministry? Do they resent parts of your job?
Are there any other questions you would ask in this evaluation?
Youth Ministry and Marriage: Both Serving In Ministry
Being in ministry can be really awesome! It can also be really challenging, as well. I am sure there are challenges for families who only have one spouse who is involved in ministry. But what about families with BOTH spouses in ministry? I can say that I have a unique view of ministry within the family, because Steve and I are both involved. It is very rewarding for both of us. Both of us have very different personalities, and some very different gifts and talents that compliment each other very well. We both have a passion to reach the lost, though, and to further God‘s kingdom. Both of us work with Campus Crusade for Christ, or Cru. Both of us go on campus once a week to work with international students, together, and we both love it! We love developing relationships with the students that come to our meetings. I think the times we do ministry together on campus bring us closer together as a couple.
With both of us in ministry on the same team, and with the same group of people, we see each other all the time. We both work in the office, and have desks in pretty close proximity of each other. I guess for some people, it might seem like it would be hard to work in the same office with their spouse, and that there might be some conflicts that would arise. But, Steve and I have very different roles within the office setting at the Great Lakes office. I think this somewhat balances the fact that we are together so much. We might be working close to each other, but each of us has something completely different to add to the team we work with.
I feel like we are working together, and yet separate. We are united in our mission and purpose, but the way we fulfill that purpose differs with our roles. As a team, our mission is to give all the students, faculty and staff on colleges the opportunity to say yes to Jesus. As individuals, we each have something different to help fulfill that mission.
Here are 5 quick tips on having a better marriage.
- Set apart some time to have fun with your spouse! One day set aside as a date night is an idea you could try. Even if you don’t have much in the way of money, you can find something enjoyable to do with him/her that will give you opportunities to grow closer to one another.
- Also set aside personal time for yourselves. Everyone needs some time alone, away from others to reflect or just be by themselves. Find a special time to do a hobby you enjoy, read a good book, or spend some time with a friend.
- Try to keep work things and home life separate. This can be difficult when you are in ministry, because really they tend to bleed together. But what I mean is, if a problem happens at work, try to leave that behind when you leave.
- When arguments arise, sometimes it’s good to get away from a situation to cool off. You don’t think straight when you are angry. Give both of you a chance to think and process. You’ll be much more able to communicate in a loving way when your head is clearer.
- Pray for your spouse! This should be a given. Your spouse is NOT perfect! There will be times when you will drive each other batty! (Especially if you work together.)Those are times when we all need to remember that God is gracious to us, and We need to extend that grace to each other, too. Praying for them when they are having a bad day will not only help us show love to our spouse, but will help reveal any anger or bitterness we might be harboring ourselves. It gives us a sometimes much needed heart check toward our own spiritual condition, and need for our saviors love and forgiveness.
Hope these tips help. I think sometimes I need to follow my own advice more! I don’t always remember these things. I want to start making it part of my daily life, though. Our pastor did a sermon series on family. He said marriage should be the best thing on this side of Heaven. I think Steve and I have a good marriage. But, I think there is always room to work to make it a great marriage!
Youth Ministry and Marriage: The Hard Truths
The war for your marriage is in one of the toughest times that man has had to face. In a busy environment like youth ministry, you need to fight for your marriage, and I do not simply mean that as a dramatic verb to keep you reading. Weapons may need to be used here.
Youth ministry is a busy place, I do not need to tell you that. If your mission is to reach every student in your community for Jesus, you probably need to put in 25 hours a day and 8 days a week to be able to accomplish that by the time you are ready to retire. Then throw in working with volunteers to help you in this mission, speaking at school functions to begin relationships with students who would never step foot in a church, continue the programs to appease the senior pastors and board of elders, fund the next big trip, fill out that paperwork (oh, that paperwork…), and be interrupted by the crisis of students and parents that need your immediate and undivided attention. You could be working from sunrise to sunset and still have a mile long to-do list.
Within all of this is that you are probably neglecting your family to some degree. Have you missed a ballgame with you child, had to pass on a date night with your spouse, rearrange your vacation time because of summer camp schedules? The hard truth is that marriage within the youth ministry field is not easy.
Here are three hard truths that we need to wake up and realize today:
- The ministry you serve should not rely on you 24/7. The first ministry that we should be investing in is our family and ultimately our spouse should come first. Regardless if you work in a suburban ministry that each of your students are the perfect Bible reading, church attending, and honorable students to their parents or you work in an urban setting that has gangs, teen moms, and only one other volunteer, you need to make time for your spouse. If you always answer that next phone call, respond to that text message, or pass on a date night for ministry, you could be giving up on your fight for your marriage.
- Words are worthless without actions. People are great at making promises. I promise my wife I will be done with work by 6PM and spend time with her. I promise my husband that I will give him the time and attention that he deserves. But those promises are meaningless unless we follow it up with our consistent and frequent actions. If you promise to be home at a certain time and get home with the phone still on, you failed. If you say you will give your spouse attention, but only do so watching television, you have failed. Commit to your promise all the way or do not commit at all.
- Love like you’ve never loved before. They said “I Do” for a reason. If you seem to have lost sight of it, take a weekend off. Cancel that meeting with volunteers and take them on an hour walk. Reschedule your morning meetings for a later time and have morning devotionals with your spouse. Be home to not only have dinner, but help out with it. FIGHT for your marriage.
The hard truth is that we will have to sacrifice and work to rebuild and maintain our marriage. Failure is not an option here.
What have you done to fight for your marriage recently that has worked?
Youth Ministry and Marriage: Ministry Includes Your Family
“Drugs? Yes, I smoke marijuana”, said Jonathan (not actual name). “My brother introduced it to me. I actually like it. I don’t see anything wrong with it?” Jonathan was 12 and just about to turn 13. Jonathan’s life experiences and communication maturity was that of a 19 year old. To have “street smarts” is an understatement. He was very experienced. Due to a dysfunctional family life, Jonathan never experienced his innocence. If you minister to the youth of today, I am sure you have many related stories like Jonathans.
My wife and I had the privilege to do individual coaching and mentoring to struggling teens in our church’s youth ministry. When you minister individually to other parent’s troubled children, you are able to build a vast knowledge base of the current issues challenging teens today. You are given many opportunities to diligently pray and ask God for wisdom in how to minister to their need. You gain experience in leading them to victory in overcoming their sin. You are helping change young people’s lives!
What if you are a youth minister that has a family? Do you minister to your own children’s needs too? When you are helping change lives in the youth outside your home, are you also ministering to the lives that live within your four walls? Before answering, consider the following:
- Church-Youth
You conduct private session(s) to discover the root cause of the problem.
Family-Your Children
Do you meet individually with your children to see how they are really doing? - Church-Youth
You Coach, mentor, and teach biblical principles of righteousness on how to overcome sin.
Family-Your Children
Do you take dedicated focused time to coach, mentor, and teach righteous biblical principles to help prevent them from falling into sin? - Church-Youth
You create action step(s) and follow-up regularly to check progress.
Family-Your Children
Do you help create goals for moving closer to God and do periodic checks? - Church-Youth
You pray with youth.
Family-Your Children
Do you pray often with your children?
Your calling in ministry should not bear the fruit of neglect within your family that God has blessed you with. Intentionally attending to your family’s ministry needs first, before others, builds a “kingdom” focused family. A spiritually strong family empowers you to effectively minister to others. Those experiences and teachings to others can then be brought back into your family. As you move back and forth increasingly feeding the gardens of youth and family, you will begin to create a spiritual sphere of momentum which increases in velocity. Much like an ice skater who pulls their arms in tightly to their body to spin more quickly. The force of your core circle of influence’s gravitational pull will start moving outer reaches of the church and community. However, spiritual negligence to your family will produce an out of balance ministry. Attempting to force momentum to something that is out of balance will eventually break. Many times unfortunately, it’s the family that breaks first.
What are things you have done to balance family & ministry?
Youth Ministry and Marriage: Losing That Loving Feeling
One of the most memorable stories about our relationship is the first time I said good night to her. A friend of both of ours had actually set us up together on a blind date with a group of people and the evening went extremely well. As she and the friends that arranged the date walked me to my car, the only thing going through my head was the advise her roommate gave me, “She is not a touchy feely person, so you probably do not want to hug her right away.” The truth about this is that my wife is not overly affectionate with this roommate. So the time came to say goodnight and with hands at my side, she came over and hugged me. It looked like a scene straight from the old reality game show “Beauty and the Geek”. She was not following the rules and I was panicking.
I vividly remember thinking to myself that she was (and still is) WAY out of my league and that I did not have a shot with her. Yet, those big eyes and bright smile gave me enough confidence to get the courage to try. I have so many different memories during that time of learning about who she is, what her beliefs are, and how she lives life.
Two of the biggest reasons for proposing to her is that I find myself better because of her. She is a vibrant person who loves to live in the moment and seemingly can strike up a conversation about anything with anyone at any time of the day. She has a deep passion for helping those that need assistance and enjoying authentic relationships. The brightness of that smile that you may see from her is simply an outlet of how beautiful she is on the inside.
Marriage Changes Everything
We had an interesting relationship in that we both defined up front that we were not dating to simply date. So, on December 19, 2008, we both said “I Do” before many of our closest friends and family and began a life together as one. The last 3+ years of marriage has been a whirlwind of coming closer to each other, facing crisis moments as well as enjoying the bright moments, and living life completely intertwined together. In that time, she has successfully become a special ed teacher, I have been working on this youth ministry, and now we are anticipating our first child.
By no means has this journey been all rainbows and unicorns. Every week we fight the struggles of busyness and simply going through the motions. The easy route is to simply go on with our lives of work, dinner, television, and going to bed. With a child on the way, the routine of the day will be that much harder to fight for our marriage. What happened in these last five years? I remember one busy weekend when I had to commit most of my time to ministry, if I had personally had lost that loving feeling. Sure, my wife would understand why I did not spend time with her because I HAD to get this lesson done. The next time, was the same basic excuse… I was going against my priorities that my marriage was more important than youth ministry.
Love Is More Than A Feeling
Within this gloomy conversation, there is a joy within all of this. I do not know the last time when I have been with my wife that I have missed the opportunity sometime in the day to tell her “I love you.” I love that phrase because it shows us one important thing: Love is more than a feeling, it is an action. It does not matter how crappy my day in ministry has been, how rough of a day she spent with the students in her class, or how little time we do get together. In that moment, I have a choice to make. Maybe we are not on the best terms of that evening and we could easily say that we do not like each other. But the choice to love your spouse, regardless if you like them, is still on the table. My wife knows that I love her and I know she loves me with her whole being.
Five years into the relationship and those eyes and that smile still melt my heart. We still have those regular moments when she looks me directly in the eyes and tells me she loves me. Trust me, I will still mess up and make her mad… in fact, I probably should be doing the dishes right now! But regardless of how she feels towards me, I know that she loves me and I will forever love her. Somewhere deep down in this youth worker is still that geeky guy that is excited she gave me a shot.
What was that one thing that drew you to your spouse and that made you say “I Do?”
Youth Ministry and Marriage: It’s A Man’s World
This is a man’s world, this is a man’s world
But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl
- James Brown from his song A Man’s World
To be honest, this is how I have often felt as a female youth worker on staff in a church. In my home country of The Netherlands, paid youth workers aren’t that common anyway, but the ones that exist are for the most part men. It’s not easy being a married woman and a youth worker, I can say from experience. Let me share a little bit of my story.
In our last church, the youth pastor left quite suddenly and because there seemed to be no one else, my husband took over the operational leadership of the youth ministry. We quickly discovered it wasn’t his thing… but as it turned out, it was mine and we changed roles.
The year after the church asked me to become responsible for the youth ministry and I did. Our youth group grew and so did my responsibilities, as did the amount of hours it took to do it right. I worked full-time in a managing position in a hospital, but decided to cut back on my hours to invest more time in the youth ministry. I ended up working 24 hours in the hospital and about the same in the youth ministry. And then I became pregnant with our son.
I told the church that they had to make a choice: they had to either put me on staff or I would have to quit because there was no way I’d be able to keep going like this and have a baby. The church had vision for a paid youth worker so they decided to put me on staff. My son was 6 months old when I started.
It’s been really tough on my marriage, that period. My husband worked a day job, I worked a lot of nights and weekends. Added to that, we had the care of our wonderful, but time-consuming son. We ended up sharing quick meals and hasty conversations. That became even worse when he had to quit his volunteer position in the youth ministry to focus on getting his PhD. We hardly saw each other anymore. It was tough on both of us, and definitely tough on our marriage. We constantly had fights, irritations ran high.
After a year and a half, I became seriously ill. Not life-threatening, but enough to really make me think. I was physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to do everything: be a good mom, a loving and caring wife, a good caretaker of our home and a great youth leader. My husband was exhausted as well, because he had to pick up a lot of my tasks when I wasn’t around. It was too much.
After much prayer, I decided to quit. As it turned out, I would have had to anyway because my husband got a job in Germany and we had to move. But my decision to quit came solely out of the necessity of putting my family and my marriage before my youth ministry.
It’s tough, being a female married youth worker on staff. I think the big difference is that most of the guys who do this have a wife who either works part time or doesn’t work at all, where as us women mostly have a husband who works full-time. That’s two people working full time with very different schedules. And when you add young kids to the picture, it becomes an almost impossible combination, at least it was for me.
I think it’s different when your kids are older, when they are in school and need less supervision. But even then you’d have to be very careful to balance family life and work. I think married female youth workers face unique challenges in this area… which are understandable, but still a shame because I think youth ministry could benefit from more female staff.
What helped me decide in the end is that being a mom and a wife are more important to me than being a (paid) youth leader. I had to scale back my role in youth ministry to protect my family and my marriage. And even now, two years later, I am still convinced it was the right thing to do.