Guest Post: Courtship Is NOT Old Fashioned

There are a good number of online articles, discussions, and debates regarding the topic “courting vs. dating”. Doing a Google search resulted in 749 unique entries across 75 search result pages. What more can be added to discuss? Great question. Maybe nothing more except, at the very least, continued awareness. Hopefully I can present how young teens view, through their lens, the subject of dating. In addition, provide you helpful information on how to teach your children the benefits of courting. All within a concise consumable read of no more than 700 words. Here we go.

Many teens discount the very thought of courting. They perceive it as old fashion and especially not for this day and time. However, “dating”, our kids can relate too. They define the term “dating” as synonymous to “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. Here are a couple of key insights into how tweeners and young teens perceive “dating”:

Temporary

“Of course I’m not getting married to Johnny, we’re just dating.”

Before there is even the first boyfriend or girlfriend, our children start out thinking “dating” as temporary. They believe it’s something you are supposed to do as a teenager. Did you notice the word “believe”? You can’t blame them for expecting that because it’s modeled everywhere they look. They see kids through media, friends, and classmates moving from one girlfriend to another. The more “dating partners” one has the more popular they become. The danger here is this practicing mindset of more-than-friend fleeting relationships can be carried over into a marriage.

Physical

“I can’t wait to kiss”

With teens, dating someone leads to an immediate physical relationship. No not necessarily sexual, but definitely instant physical touch. First is holding hands and glued-together passionate hugs that seem to never unlock. Soon after will be kissing. You’ve seen those 14-15 year old teen couples who are constantly groping each other. It’s rare not to see them physically touching. Unfortunately, many parents approve physical touch dating. When this type of touching gets stale, and it will, the relationship is strongly tempted to become physically sexual. Yes, heavy petting is sex! Many hormonally driven dating-teens see “dating” as an opportunity to experiment with sex. Sexual activity happens during isolation…when they are alone. It’s very difficult for parents to monitor and prevent isolation. The danger here is this practicing physical sexual activity with potentially multiple relationships can be carried over into a marriage.

Here’s the best definition I found on courtship:

“Courtship is young men and women seeking each other out for the purpose of finding a spouse. It is a sexually abstinent friendship that through the courting process bonds two people together while they both grow and learn to honor, respect, and love each other. The courting process involves the parents on both sides and the parents must approve and bless the courtship.” [cite EzineArticles.com]

The key phrase is “sexually abstinent friendship”. Courting done correctly overtime becomes a “sexually abstinent relationship”. How do we get our children to value, understand and embrace a sexually abstinent relationship? Here are 4 steps to help change your children’s “beliefs” on courtship:

• Study
  Research and study the biblical principles of courting…which is the process of finding a life partner in marriage. Here are a few links to get you started:
  http://www.openbible.info/topics/courtship
  http://www.christinyou.com/pages/courtship.html
  http://www.gotquestions.org/dating-courting.html
• Teach
  Teach your children the differences between “dating” and “courting”. Start early and do it often. We’ve been successful using a “Pro’s/Con’s” list. Do this activity together with your children by listing all the pro’s and con’s of “dating” and “courting”. This is a great tool to promote discussion and learning.
• Network
  Get to know other parents, especially where your children hang out. A good example is youth group at church. Courting requires agreement from both sets of parents.
• Encourage
  Your child will be going against the worldly norm of “dating”. Encourage them in how God will honor their decision to “court”. Growing into their late teens and early 20’s, they will have strength to continue seeking a sexually abstinent relationship until married.

Courtship is NOT old fashioned because God isn’t. I, perhaps others, would like to hear additional perspectives. Please share.